Wednesday, March 29, 2023

Confront and Forgive; Luke 17:3-4

 

            Most of us know the story of Peter asking Jesus, “Lord, how many times do I have to forgive?  70 times?”  And Jesus replies 70 x 7.  Probably less of us are familiar with this passage today.  Jesus doesn’t say 70 x 7 here.  He says 7 times in a day!  We are called to forgive.

            Many people think that forgiveness means letting the other person off the hook, and it would seem so if you keep forgiving someone for doing the same thing over and over, but it’s not.  Before Jesus says that you have to forgive someone 7 times a day, He says, “If your brother sins, rebuke him.”  Before forgiving, you make the person aware of what he or she did.  Sometimes, people don’t even know what they have done.  Has a sin truly been committed or just a misunderstanding?  Be careful how you make the person aware!  If you truly care about the person’s well-being and your relationship with them, which you should if you are even going to point out another’s sin, then you must do so in a way that let’s them know you care about them and your relationship. 

Though there are some people who seem to thrive on conflict, most of us don’t like it.  Sometimes we choose not to confront simply to avoid conflict.  When I was a new pastor, one of the first books I was required to read was Caring Enough to Confront by David Augsberger.  Though specifically written for group settings, the principles also apply to individuals.  Augsberger writes about 5 ways that we respond to being wronged.  1—We want revenge.  We know this is not the right response.  “Vengeance is mine,” says the Lord.  Sin does have consequences, but sinning in return only leads to more consequences.  2.  We withdraw or end the relationship. This harms both people again.  Broken relationships are always a tragedy.  We were made for community. 3.  Put up a barrier and be nice.  This is the “go along to get along.”  It’s the way of tolerance and quiet truces.  The underlying hurt is never dealt with and the relationship moves along but is never healed.  Mistrust and distrust is constant.  This one is common to those of us who are Southerners who were raised in a culture of “niceness” and politeness.  I know personally, as an introvert who doesn’t like confrontation, it can be my default response.  Better to have some relationship than no relationship.  We think we are protecting ourselves, but we never grow and develop intimacy when we do this.  We are in far more danger of “letting someone off the hook for their bad behavior” by severing the relationship or maintaining a veneer of niceness than we are by forgiving a person.  The other person may never realize the harm they’ve done if you do not rebuke them.  They may think that you are the one with the problem!  And indeed, it really may be both of you! 

Augsburger’s number 4 is  Creative compromise.  While it can work in group situations, it only leads to everyone having a partial win, which also means everyone has a partial fail.  If we act in any of these first 4 ways, it’s likely that we haven’t forgiven and may not even want to forgive.  Some people who withdraw from or end the relationship may eventually come to forgive the offender but often without rebuking or interacting with the offender, which means reconciliation doesn’t take place.

 And finally, 5. Caring enough to confront.  Confronting let’s the person know that you care about them and about what happened.  You need to confront and rebuke in a way that let’s the person know the seriousness of their actions as well as the fact that you want to remain in relationship with them, that you both want their respect and are willing to give respect, that you want to maintain trust. Counselors will tell you to be direct and be clear.  Focus on the issue or even.  Don’t make broad generalizations.  Use “I statements” to address your feelings including anger and pain. 

            Not too long ago, I had a friend care enough to confront me.  Social media can be a place that fosters negativity.  Last month, I made a negative comment about some celebrity whose marriage failed.  The comment I made was “If this person hadn’t been so focused on himself, he might still have his wife and kids,” a statement which has a high level of probability, especially with some more interviews surfacing, but I had also prefaced the statement with so-and-so is a dork!.  A friend, whom I haven’t seen in person for a while, within the hour messaged me about the statement.  First, she asked if I really wrote it because accounts can be hacked.  I had to admit yes.  She asked me do I know this person personally?  I admitted that I do not, though I do know someone who does, which is true. She commented about the prevalence of name calling and the hurt it has caused her personally and the damage it does to dialogue.  She expressed that she has known me as a kind person and a leader.  She commented on the fact that I am a pastor and should pastors be saying such things.  My initial response is that “dork isn’t that bad of a name and if I did know the person, I would have called them that to their face before they put themselves in a position where it would have cost them their marriage, so that perhaps they would not have engaged in the behavior that they did.  Still, my friend was right. While “dork” might not really be that bad of a name, I had to admit that what I did was wrong.  I too hate name calling, especially when people resort to it in the middle of a debate and the damage name calling has done.  I have tried to avoid it, particularly online.  I also know that as a pastor I am called to a higher standard.  The next morning, I let her know that I appreciated her calling me out.  I knew that it meant that she cared about me.  She cared enough to confront—to rebuke.  I could have dismissed her and lost a relationship.  She could have not called me out and quietly unfriended me.  I’m glad she did not.  She is someone I appreciate knowing and showed herself worthy of knowing.  You have probably heard the saying that when it comes to our words, we can ask, “Is it true?  Is it good?  Is it necessary?”.  If it’s not true, we certainly shouldn’t say it, because that is lying.  Is it good?  If it’s not good, it’s not an automatic no.  We know that not all news is good.  But is it necessary?  Is there anything that leads to edification, or is just gossip or something that tears people down—the hearer included. 

            Remember from last week that the context of Jesus’s words on rebuke and forgiveness come in the context of not being a stumbling block—not being unnecessarily offensive.  My social media post was a stumbling block.  It caused confusion and could even lead someone to else to sin by thinking it’s not sin at all or it’s not that bad. Last week we heard that what we do affects more people than we realize. 

Forgiving doesn’t mean that healthy boundaries don’t need to be set to deter the sinful behavior or the consequences thereof.  Jesus begins these verses with “Be on your guard!”  Don’t let someone cause you to stumble unnecessarily.  If someone steals from you, you can forgive them while still making it harder for the person to steal from you again.  Unforgiveness can be just as much of a stumbling block as the sin the other person has committed.    

            How do we forgive the person 7 times in a day, especially if he or she keeps doing the same thing over and over?  Well, it’s hard to forgive someone who isn’t repentant.  That’s where rebuke comes in. And Jesus says, “If the person repents, forgive them.”   Is the person really repentant if they keep doing the same thing?  Perhaps they aren’t. If someone isn’t repentant, maybe immediate forgiveness isn’t necessary.  Eventual forgiveness is because when we harbor unforgiveness, it hurts us. But perhaps really is repentant, even if they do the same thing a short while later!  Habitual sin can be really hard to break!  Keep in mind that the goal is to move the other person toward holiness, to help them take another step toward Jesus, and also keep yourself moving in that direction!  Repentance means to turn.  Eventually, the fruit of repentance, if real, will be turning away from that bad habit and toward Jesus.  

            We are called to forgive because we have been forgiven.  At the cross, Jesus forgave those who did not know what they were doing.  God also forgives those who know what they did and repent of it!  God loves us, even when we are at our worst!  God’s love for us is a constant that never changes!  We need to strive in constancy with love toward one another.  Rebuking and forgiving is part of showing that love.

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