Confront and Forgive; Luke 17:3-4

 

            Most of us know the story of Peter asking Jesus, “Lord, how many times do I have to forgive?  70 times?”  And Jesus replies 70 x 7.  Probably less of us are familiar with this passage today.  Jesus doesn’t say 70 x 7 here.  He says 7 times in a day!  We are called to forgive.

            Many people think that forgiveness means letting the other person off the hook, and it would seem so if you keep forgiving someone for doing the same thing over and over, but it’s not.  Before Jesus says that you have to forgive someone 7 times a day, He says, “If your brother sins, rebuke him.”  Before forgiving, you make the person aware of what he or she did.  Sometimes, people don’t even know what they have done.  Has a sin truly been committed or just a misunderstanding?  Be careful how you make the person aware!  If you truly care about the person’s well-being and your relationship with them, which you should if you are even going to point out another’s sin, then you must do so in a way that let’s them know you care about them and your relationship. 

Though there are some people who seem to thrive on conflict, most of us don’t like it.  Sometimes we choose not to confront simply to avoid conflict.  When I was a new pastor, one of the first books I was required to read was Caring Enough to Confront by David Augsberger.  Though specifically written for group settings, the principles also apply to individuals.  Augsberger writes about 5 ways that we respond to being wronged.  1—We want revenge.  We know this is not the right response.  “Vengeance is mine,” says the Lord.  Sin does have consequences, but sinning in return only leads to more consequences.  2.  We withdraw or end the relationship. This harms both people again.  Broken relationships are always a tragedy.  We were made for community. 3.  Put up a barrier and be nice.  This is the “go along to get along.”  It’s the way of tolerance and quiet truces.  The underlying hurt is never dealt with and the relationship moves along but is never healed.  Mistrust and distrust is constant.  This one is common to those of us who are Southerners who were raised in a culture of “niceness” and politeness.  I know personally, as an introvert who doesn’t like confrontation, it can be my default response.  Better to have some relationship than no relationship.  We think we are protecting ourselves, but we never grow and develop intimacy when we do this.  We are in far more danger of “letting someone off the hook for their bad behavior” by severing the relationship or maintaining a veneer of niceness than we are by forgiving a person.  The other person may never realize the harm they’ve done if you do not rebuke them.  They may think that you are the one with the problem!  And indeed, it really may be both of you! 

Augsburger’s number 4 is  Creative compromise.  While it can work in group situations, it only leads to everyone having a partial win, which also means everyone has a partial fail.  If we act in any of these first 4 ways, it’s likely that we haven’t forgiven and may not even want to forgive.  Some people who withdraw from or end the relationship may eventually come to forgive the offender but often without rebuking or interacting with the offender, which means reconciliation doesn’t take place.

 And finally, 5. Caring enough to confront.  Confronting let’s the person know that you care about them and about what happened.  You need to confront and rebuke in a way that let’s the person know the seriousness of their actions as well as the fact that you want to remain in relationship with them, that you both want their respect and are willing to give respect, that you want to maintain trust. Counselors will tell you to be direct and be clear.  Focus on the issue or even.  Don’t make broad generalizations.  Use “I statements” to address your feelings including anger and pain. 

            Not too long ago, I had a friend care enough to confront me.  Social media can be a place that fosters negativity.  Last month, I made a negative comment about some celebrity whose marriage failed.  The comment I made was “If this person hadn’t been so focused on himself, he might still have his wife and kids,” a statement which has a high level of probability, especially with some more interviews surfacing, but I had also prefaced the statement with so-and-so is a dork!.  A friend, whom I haven’t seen in person for a while, within the hour messaged me about the statement.  First, she asked if I really wrote it because accounts can be hacked.  I had to admit yes.  She asked me do I know this person personally?  I admitted that I do not, though I do know someone who does, which is true. She commented about the prevalence of name calling and the hurt it has caused her personally and the damage it does to dialogue.  She expressed that she has known me as a kind person and a leader.  She commented on the fact that I am a pastor and should pastors be saying such things.  My initial response is that “dork isn’t that bad of a name and if I did know the person, I would have called them that to their face before they put themselves in a position where it would have cost them their marriage, so that perhaps they would not have engaged in the behavior that they did.  Still, my friend was right. While “dork” might not really be that bad of a name, I had to admit that what I did was wrong.  I too hate name calling, especially when people resort to it in the middle of a debate and the damage name calling has done.  I have tried to avoid it, particularly online.  I also know that as a pastor I am called to a higher standard.  The next morning, I let her know that I appreciated her calling me out.  I knew that it meant that she cared about me.  She cared enough to confront—to rebuke.  I could have dismissed her and lost a relationship.  She could have not called me out and quietly unfriended me.  I’m glad she did not.  She is someone I appreciate knowing and showed herself worthy of knowing.  You have probably heard the saying that when it comes to our words, we can ask, “Is it true?  Is it good?  Is it necessary?”.  If it’s not true, we certainly shouldn’t say it, because that is lying.  Is it good?  If it’s not good, it’s not an automatic no.  We know that not all news is good.  But is it necessary?  Is there anything that leads to edification, or is just gossip or something that tears people down—the hearer included. 

            Remember from last week that the context of Jesus’s words on rebuke and forgiveness come in the context of not being a stumbling block—not being unnecessarily offensive.  My social media post was a stumbling block.  It caused confusion and could even lead someone to else to sin by thinking it’s not sin at all or it’s not that bad. Last week we heard that what we do affects more people than we realize. 

Forgiving doesn’t mean that healthy boundaries don’t need to be set to deter the sinful behavior or the consequences thereof.  Jesus begins these verses with “Be on your guard!”  Don’t let someone cause you to stumble unnecessarily.  If someone steals from you, you can forgive them while still making it harder for the person to steal from you again.  Unforgiveness can be just as much of a stumbling block as the sin the other person has committed.    

            How do we forgive the person 7 times in a day, especially if he or she keeps doing the same thing over and over?  Well, it’s hard to forgive someone who isn’t repentant.  That’s where rebuke comes in. And Jesus says, “If the person repents, forgive them.”   Is the person really repentant if they keep doing the same thing?  Perhaps they aren’t. If someone isn’t repentant, maybe immediate forgiveness isn’t necessary.  Eventual forgiveness is because when we harbor unforgiveness, it hurts us. But perhaps really is repentant, even if they do the same thing a short while later!  Habitual sin can be really hard to break!  Keep in mind that the goal is to move the other person toward holiness, to help them take another step toward Jesus, and also keep yourself moving in that direction!  Repentance means to turn.  Eventually, the fruit of repentance, if real, will be turning away from that bad habit and toward Jesus.  

            We are called to forgive because we have been forgiven.  At the cross, Jesus forgave those who did not know what they were doing.  God also forgives those who know what they did and repent of it!  God loves us, even when we are at our worst!  God’s love for us is a constant that never changes!  We need to strive in constancy with love toward one another.  Rebuking and forgiving is part of showing that love.

Stop Being Unnecessarily Offensive; Luke 17:1-2

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Child of Justice; I Samuel 2:1-10, Luke 1:46-55

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The Problem of Divorce; Luke 16:18, Matthew 5:31-32, Matthew 19:1-9

 

     Today’s Scripture can be difficult, not because the interpretation can be challenging like the passage we had two weeks ago about people forcing their way into the kingdom, but because we understand it and it makes us uncomfortable, if not for ourselves, then for people we know and care about.  Sermons on divorce used to not be so uncommon.  But as divorce rates not only in our society but even in the church hit 50%, and then divorce became more common even among clergy, sermons on divorce became rarer.  Nearly every couple for whom I officiated their wedding had either one or both spouses who were previously divorced.  I had the wonderful pleasure of working with two young couples in which neither spouse had ever been married, but I only did their marriage preparation.  Someone else officiated their weddings.  That’s okay, I was privileged to do the fun part!  But what about the second marriages I conducted?  Was I wrong?  Obviously, Jesus takes divorce seriously.  He mentions it on 3 separate occasions.  Mark 10:1-12 is the same occasion as Matthew 19.  He says that divorced women are made “adulteresses”. 

            In Luke 16:18, Jesus mentions divorce and adultery as law that still stands.  Remember the context is Jesus telling the Pharisees that not one stroke of the letter of the Law will fall.  The laws on divorce and adultery are an example of that.  The word Jesus uses in Luke 16:18 is to “send away.”  There were two types of separation in Jewish times.  One was a divorce which involved giving the wife a certificate and her dowry back.  With a certificate, she could remarry, although she could not ever return to her first husband, even if her second husband were to die. 

     The Old Testament law about divorce is found in Deuteronomy 24:1-4.  I won’t read it now, but you can look it up later.  Remember that the Law was written to men, that is males.  As heads of households, they were responsible for keeping the Law and for passing it on their children.  Women were protected under the man.  There are only a few specific laws that were directed to women.  Women were not allowed to issue divorce.  The law does allow a divorced woman to remarry, but she cannot go back to her first husband if she had been remarried in between, even if her second marriage is ended by the death of her second husband.  Some valid reasons for divorce were sexual infidelity, barrenness—children were seen as a sign of prosperity.  Sadly today, children are often seen as a sign of poverty.  While gifts and blessings from God, children should never be commodified.  However, in the Sermon on the Mount, from whence we extract Matthew 5:32-32, Jesus makes all the Laws more strict than they originally were.  Here He says that unchastity is the ONLY valid reason for divorce, not barrenness or anything else.  Jesus is showing that kingdom values are now in play and there is a higher standard of operation, which is what He reiterates in Matthew 19.  In using the specific example of divorce in the middle of a talk about stewardship, Jesus wants to show that we ought to take our finances as seriously as we take our marriages. 

The second type of separation is simply the sending away.  This would be used for betrothed couples, like Joseph wanting to “divorce” Mary or concubines, who were not wives, like Abraham did with Hagar.  Jesus uses both words in Matthew 5. In Luke 16, Jesus has been talking about financial stewardship.  Money and marriage go together.  Sending away a wife, no certificate and no dowry, is not allowed!  Mend did it to get out of returning a dowry.  Jesus ties stewardship to divorce because even and maybe particularly the Pharisees and teachers of the law looked at marriage and divorce as kind of a prosperity gospel.  If you met someone with a better dowry, you could get rid of your other wife.  If you found a prettier woman, you could get rid of your wife and marry a better looking one.  Jesus says you can’t get rid of a wife without a certificate of divorce and remarry, because you are still married.  To marry another would be unlawful.  A woman without a certificate cannot get remarried because he first marriage is still legally binding.  She would be committing adultery as well.  Remember when we were looking at Jesus’s genealogy how difficult it was for single women to survive, especially if they had no money or land!  In reiterating that separation and remarriage is adultery, Jesus is protecting women, and warning men against frivolous divorce.  In Matthew 5:31-32, when Jesus says, “Everyone who sends away his wife, except for unchastity, makes her commit adultery,” can also be read as “commits adultery against her.”  A man sends his wife away without a certificate so he can get a new one is the one who is committing adultery.  She would only be doing so if she were to marry again.  Remember that marriages were ordinarily arranged. Love was something that developed, not something necessarily there to begin with.  So if you wife was a bad cook or not the wealthiest, or not the best looking, Jesus is saying that once the marriage has taken place, too bad!  Make it work. 

            This kind of separation is akin to people who start dating before their divorce is ever finalized.  A separation is not a divorce.  No one should be looking around for their next partner until their divorce is finalized!  This kind of separation would also be the equivalent of no-fault divorce.  In a certificate of divorce, the man would have to name a reason.  I personally think no fault divorce is one of the biggest wrongs in our society which started a slippery slope of several other bad legislative decisions and cultural trends.  Ronald Reagan said it was the worst mistake of his political career.  He signed it into law as Governor of California in 1970 and it soon became widespread across the country.  There has always been a consistent trend that so goes California so goes the rest of country.  So we can say all we want to about those crazy Californians, but it would behoove us to pay attention to the laws that are passed there.  Reagan’s own divorce was not a no-fault.  His first wife cheated on him, and then she later filed for divorce.  Just because most people who separate today eventually end up with a certificate of divorce does not mean the divorce is valid.  Too many people are looking for the ‘bigger better deal”.  They don’t take seriously the vows of richer AND poorer, SICKNESS and health. 

            In Matthew 19:1-9, the Pharisees are testing Jesus as to whether there is any valid reason for divorce.  Jesus goes back to Genesis 1 and 2, saying that it is God who ordained marriage between a man and a woman, and that no man ought to separate that bond.  So they go back to the fact that the law of Moses in Deuteronomy allows a man to divorce his wife if he gives her a certificate.  Jesus responds by saying that this law of Moses is in there because of the “hardness of your hearts,” but that God never intended divorce. In Mark’s version of the story, Jesus also says the same thing if it is the woman who issues the divorce.  Matthew is writing for a Jewish audience, but we know Gentiles were present.  Mark is writing to a mixed audience, and though it was illegal for Jewish women to initiate divorce, it was not illegal for Gentile women to initiate divorce.   He reiterates that sexual immorality (not simply adultery) is the only valid reason for divorce and that remarriage in any other so-called case of divorce is adultery.  Porn addiction could be covered under this.  It is a form of cheating on one’s spouse. 

            Not all marriages that have infidelity are doomed for failure.  I know many couples who have survived affairs.  It takes a really strong spouse and a really repentant spouse for it to work, but it can.  The book of Hosea is an extraordinary book of Scripture about a man in an adulterous marriage.  Hosea is commanded by God to marry a prostitute named Gomer.  She leaves him, not once, but more than once.  God commands Hosea to bring her back.  God does this because marriage is a mirror of our relationship to God.  Whenever we put anything else before God, it is as if we are committing adultery against God.  Over and over in Scripture adultery and idolatry are equated.  God commanded Hosea to keep bringing Gomer back because God wanted the people to see that is what God does with them. No matter how unfaithful God’s people were, God refused to forsake them. 

            In I Corinthians 7, Paul allows for another valid case of divorce and remarriage, which is abandonment or divorce initiated by an unbelieving spouse.  He strongly reiterates that the believing spouse cannot initiate a divorce.  Rather he calls on believing spouses to be witnesses and intercessors to and for their families. 

            What about abuse?  Separation in these cases is always necessary for safety.  Divorce is not.  There are successful abuser programs that can rehabilitate abusive spouses.  I’m actually in a pastor’s group in which one of the participants who is also a licensed psychologist has been running such a program for 20 years, and it has now been adopted in several countries.  In fact, he will be teaching a group of leaders how to run it in Rwanda this spring.  If the abusive spouse is an unbeliever, he/she can file for divorce, and the divorce would be valid. A believing spouse can separate and get a restraining order if necessary.  If divorce is inevitable, then remarriage is not an option if both people are believers at the time of the divorce. Jesus does not allow for remarriage.  3 times, He calls it adultery.  What about emotional abuse?  I don’t see it as valid in Scripture if both spouses are believers.  Again, if one spouse is not a believer and wants a divorce, fine.  Don’t keep emotional abuse secret.  All resources of counseling and accountability should be in play.  When we witness a wedding, we all take vows that we will do whatever we can to help the couple fulfill their marriage vows.  Separate if necessary, but don’t divorce.  In his wonderful book Sacred Marriage, Gary Thomas writes specifically about emotionally difficult marriages and gives examples including Abraham Lincoln’s marriage to Mary Todd Lincoln.  He even postulates that Lincoln was better prepared to deal with national conflict because of what went on his household.  My friend Katty is in an emotionally difficult marriage.  She believes her husband has narcissistic personality disorder.  He has been emotionally abusive off and on over the nearly 20 years they have been married.  I’m not sure he was a believer when they first got married, but he has since made a profession of faith.  Katty’s friends are helping her keep her marriage vows.  Hopefully, as her husband becomes more self-aware and as their church and professionals support them, he will realize how he is treating his wife. 

            So what about the people I married.  My first question to those who were previously divorced was why and when?  If there was a nonvalid divorce, I wouldn’t perform the marriage.  Many of the divorces occurred before the person was a believer in Jesus Christ.  It doesn’t matter what sins you have committed as an unbeliever.  When you repent and place your faith in Jesus, the slate is wiped clean.  II Corinthians 5:17 says, “If anyone is in Christ, behold! New creation!  The old is gone the new has come.”  Who filed the divorce?  If it is was an unbelieving spouse, than the person is free to remarry.  If their previous spouse cheated on them, then they are free to remarry.  

            The bottom line is God hates divorce.  Jesus hates divorce.  Marriage is given to us a picture of God’s relationship to God’s people, Christ’s relationship to the Church.  It is a relationship which ought never be sundered.  Sadly, it sometimes is.  As another pastor summed—divorce is never desirable, sometimes permissible, and always forgivable. 

Storming the Kingdom; Luke 16:16-17, Matthew 11:12-15

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God's Amazing Grace; Luke 15:1-2, 11-32

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A Life of Devotion; Luke 1:26-45, 2:22-51, John 19:23-27, Acts 1:12-14

 

On this day that we celebrate Jesus’s birth, we remember the woman who made it possible.  Orthodox Christians call her the “Theotokos,” the God-bearer.  She is the most celebrated of all the saints.  When she sang and prophesied, “Surely, from now on all generations will call me blessed,” she indeed spoke the truth.  She is Mary, or Mariam her proper name, the mother of Jesus. 

            Unlike our characters in last Sunday’s readings, Mary is worthy of our emulation.  Her life was totally devoted to her God, her Son, her Lord.  But in celebrations about how blessed she was, we forget sometimes who she was.   We forget that Mary was young when the angel spoke to her.  She was just a teenager of 14 or 15.  Mary is engaged to a man who is at least 10 years older than she is.  She seems to come from lower income family, though priestly or Levitical.  How many teenage girls today would accept the responsibility to carry a child to term, to mother that child, even at the risk of their life.  Our society tells girls it’s impossible.  There’s no way you can be a mother.  Motherhood ruins your life.  Yet Mary accepts this great responsibility even though it meant embarrassment, shame, divorce and even possible death for her.  We have adults today who don’t want to accept responsibility for much lesser things.  Mary submits herself fully to the will of God.  Think of yourself at age 15 or your kids at that age.  Would you have responded to the angelic message the way Mary did?           

Thank God for Elizabeth.  These women bond through their uncommon experiences.  Though Elizabeth is just as inexperienced in regard to motherhood as Mary, the more mature woman still helps the younger.  And Elizabeth further confirms everything Mary has heard.    Mary and Elizabeth demonstrate that God works through the unable.  Mary and Elizabeth and we too are only able because God is able.  God is our Enabler.  He is our power and strength.  He makes the impossible possible. 

            Mary is thoughtful, and she is devoted to the Lord.  In the narratives of Jesus’ childhood, we see Mary pondering everything that is said to her.  She considers carefully what God says to her through angels, shepherds, wise men, prophets, and of course, through her own son, Jesus.  In the Christmas story last night, we read heard how Mary pondered what the shepherds said.  She ponders what Simeon says.  She ponders what Jesus says even as questions her at age 12.  He will rebuke her again at the wedding in Cana, though both times, Jesus does what Mary wishes.   Mary is obedient and faithful even when she doesn’t understand.  Mary doesn’t exalt herself.  She doesn’t go around bragging that she is blessed because she is the mother of the Son of God.  She is obedient even to a dying man.  She serves from a place of lowliness and suffering, and as she is humbled, she is exalted by the Lord.  She is worshipful and reverent, and she strives to faithfully observe Jewish law and custom. 

            In our John Scripture passage, Mary is no longer a teenager.  But she is probably not quite 50 years old either, and she sees her son hanging in agony on a cross.  Some of you know the pain of losing a child.  But here is the Savior of the world dying for seemingly no reason.  Does Mary recall Simeon’s prophetic words that a sword would pierce her own soul along with the body of Jesus?  Even at the cross, Mary shows her devotion to Jesus.  She doesn’t leave Him and continues to watch this horror unfold.  And she is obedient to Jesus, going to live with John. 

            In our last Scripture, we see Mary devoted again, gathered in worship in the upper room waiting in Jerusalem for the promised Holy Spirit with the other followers of Jesus.  This is the last time Mary is mentioned in the Bible.  The disciples are gathered to pray.  Waiting for the Spirit in payer is more profitable than earnest striving to plow on ahead without clear direction from God.  Before the disciples attempted to be those witnesses to the ends of the earth that Jesus declared they would be, they prayed for the promised power of the Holy Spirit.  In this age of instant everything, we aren’t used to waiting.  But Mary and the disciples learned to wait as we must learn to wait. 

Mary’s devotion has changed to true worship of the Son of God, the risen and exalted Jesus.  Mary’s faith matures as she is maturing. She knows Jesus in a new way.  Still it must have been perplexing, just as it was for the others, to see Jesus ascend into heaven, alive and well and powerful, but no more physically present.  She is called to trust as she did in the very beginning, believing in the power and presence of God unseen.  Once again the Holy Spirit overshadows Mary as well as the other disciples like the Holy Spirit overshadowed her as a teenager and enabled her to divinely conceive.  This time the difference is that the Holy Spirit would not only come upon her but the rest of the disciples and apostles and all who place their trust in Jesus, enabling all of us to accomplish the will of God. 

            In your aging, is your faith maturing as well?  The fact that you are here this morning speaks to your devotion towards Jesus.  You could have chosen to sleep in or stay home.  You could have said, “I can celebrate Christmas on my own.”  But you chose instead to be here to worship Jesus, the real reason for our celebrations today.  You chose to worship Him with your brothers and sisters in Christ, your true family. 

            God works in mighty ways through ordinary people who are devoted to God.  Mary humbly offered herself in service to the Lord.  How devoted to Jesus are you beyond Christmas?  Beyond Sunday worship?  Do you allow God to speak into your life as Mary did?  Do you obey Jesus even when you do not understand? 

            Christmas is a great time to commit or recommit yourself to Jesus and to be devoted to Him.  Your devoted life is your best present to Jesus.  John 3:16 tells us that Jesus was God’s gift.  He is the Christmas present, to the world.  But that disciples of Jesus are God’s gift, Christmas present, to Himself, just Jesus said in John 17:6 and 9—Jesus prays, “I manifested Your name to the men whom you gave me out of the world; Yours they were, and You gave them to me, and they have kept Your word…I do not ask on behalf of the world, but on those whom you have given to Me; for they are yours.”   Give yourself to Jesus.  Romans 12:1-2 exhorts us to present our bodies as living sacrifices to God, and that this is our greatest act of worship. 

            Next Sunday we will have a special service of prayer which will give us the opportunity to do what Mary did in her Magnificat—to magnify the Lord by remembering what God has done while we look forward to what God will do.  The second Sunday in January we will have the opportunity to show that we have indeed devoted ourselves to the Lord and are being those living sacrifices as we remember our baptismal vows as we install our elders. 

            And of course, devotion to God goes beyond what happens when we are gathered as the body of Christ to how we live as the scattered body of Christ.  How are we showing devotion to Jesus in our work and leisure, in our homes and relationships?  As you continue to celebrate Christmas, remember Mary, a woman of devotion and commit yourself anew to being a devoted follower of Jesus.