Today’s
Scripture can be difficult, not because the interpretation can be challenging
like the passage we had two weeks ago about people forcing their way into the
kingdom, but because we understand it and it makes us uncomfortable, if not for
ourselves, then for people we know and care about. Sermons on divorce used to not be so
uncommon. But as divorce rates not only
in our society but even in the church hit 50%, and then divorce became more
common even among clergy, sermons on divorce became rarer. Nearly every couple for whom I officiated
their wedding had either one or both spouses who were previously divorced. I had the wonderful pleasure of working with
two young couples in which neither spouse had ever been married, but I only did
their marriage preparation. Someone else
officiated their weddings. That’s okay,
I was privileged to do the fun part! But
what about the second marriages I conducted?
Was I wrong? Obviously, Jesus
takes divorce seriously. He mentions it
on 3 separate occasions. Mark 10:1-12 is
the same occasion as Matthew 19. He says
that divorced women are made “adulteresses”.
In Luke 16:18, Jesus mentions
divorce and adultery as law that still stands.
Remember the context is Jesus telling the Pharisees that not one stroke
of the letter of the Law will fall. The
laws on divorce and adultery are an example of that. The word Jesus uses in Luke 16:18 is to “send
away.” There were two types of
separation in Jewish times. One was a
divorce which involved giving the wife a certificate and her dowry back. With a certificate, she could remarry,
although she could not ever return to her first husband, even if her second
husband were to die.
The
Old Testament law about divorce is found in Deuteronomy 24:1-4. I won’t read it now, but you can look it up
later. Remember that the Law was written
to men, that is males. As heads of
households, they were responsible for keeping the Law and for passing it on
their children. Women were protected
under the man. There are only a few specific
laws that were directed to women. Women
were not allowed to issue divorce. The
law does allow a divorced woman to remarry, but she cannot go back to her first
husband if she had been remarried in between, even if her second marriage is
ended by the death of her second husband.
Some valid reasons for divorce were sexual infidelity,
barrenness—children were seen as a sign of prosperity. Sadly today, children are often seen as a
sign of poverty. While gifts and
blessings from God, children should never be commodified. However, in the Sermon on the Mount, from
whence we extract Matthew 5:32-32, Jesus makes all the Laws more strict than
they originally were. Here He says that
unchastity is the ONLY valid reason for divorce, not barrenness or anything else. Jesus is showing that kingdom values are now
in play and there is a higher standard of operation, which is what He
reiterates in Matthew 19. In using the
specific example of divorce in the middle of a talk about stewardship, Jesus
wants to show that we ought to take our finances as seriously as we take our
marriages.
The second type of separation is simply
the sending away. This would be used for
betrothed couples, like Joseph wanting to “divorce” Mary or concubines, who
were not wives, like Abraham did with Hagar.
Jesus uses both words in Matthew 5. In Luke 16, Jesus has been talking
about financial stewardship. Money and
marriage go together. Sending away a
wife, no certificate and no dowry, is not allowed! Mend did it to get out of returning a
dowry. Jesus ties stewardship to divorce
because even and maybe particularly the Pharisees and teachers of the law
looked at marriage and divorce as kind of a prosperity gospel. If you met someone with a better dowry, you
could get rid of your other wife. If you
found a prettier woman, you could get rid of your wife and marry a better
looking one. Jesus says you can’t get
rid of a wife without a certificate of divorce and remarry, because you are
still married. To marry another would be
unlawful. A woman without a certificate
cannot get remarried because he first marriage is still legally binding. She would be committing adultery as
well. Remember when we were looking at
Jesus’s genealogy how difficult it was for single women to survive, especially
if they had no money or land! In
reiterating that separation and remarriage is adultery, Jesus is protecting
women, and warning men against frivolous divorce. In Matthew 5:31-32, when Jesus says, “Everyone
who sends away his wife, except for unchastity, makes her commit adultery,” can
also be read as “commits adultery against her.”
A man sends his wife away without a certificate so he can get a new one
is the one who is committing adultery.
She would only be doing so if she were to marry again. Remember that marriages were ordinarily
arranged. Love was something that developed, not something necessarily there to
begin with. So if you wife was a bad
cook or not the wealthiest, or not the best looking, Jesus is saying that once
the marriage has taken place, too bad!
Make it work.
This kind of separation is akin to
people who start dating before their divorce is ever finalized. A separation is not a divorce. No one should be looking around for their
next partner until their divorce is finalized!
This kind of separation would also be the equivalent of no-fault
divorce. In a certificate of divorce,
the man would have to name a reason. I
personally think no fault divorce is one of the biggest wrongs in our society
which started a slippery slope of several other bad legislative decisions and
cultural trends. Ronald Reagan said it
was the worst mistake of his political career.
He signed it into law as Governor of California in 1970 and it soon
became widespread across the country.
There has always been a consistent trend that so goes California so goes
the rest of country. So we can say all
we want to about those crazy Californians, but it would behoove us to pay
attention to the laws that are passed there.
Reagan’s own divorce was not a no-fault.
His first wife cheated on him, and then she later filed for divorce. Just because most people who separate today
eventually end up with a certificate of divorce does not mean the divorce is
valid. Too many people are looking for
the ‘bigger better deal”. They don’t
take seriously the vows of richer AND poorer, SICKNESS and health.
In Matthew 19:1-9, the Pharisees are
testing Jesus as to whether there is any valid reason for divorce. Jesus goes back to Genesis 1 and 2, saying
that it is God who ordained marriage between a man and a woman, and that no man
ought to separate that bond. So they go
back to the fact that the law of Moses in Deuteronomy allows a man to divorce
his wife if he gives her a certificate.
Jesus responds by saying that this law of Moses is in there because of
the “hardness of your hearts,” but that God never intended divorce. In Mark’s
version of the story, Jesus also says the same thing if it is the woman who
issues the divorce. Matthew is writing
for a Jewish audience, but we know Gentiles were present. Mark is writing to a mixed audience, and
though it was illegal for Jewish women to initiate divorce, it was not illegal
for Gentile women to initiate divorce. He reiterates that sexual immorality (not
simply adultery) is the only valid reason for divorce and that remarriage in
any other so-called case of divorce is adultery. Porn addiction could be covered under
this. It is a form of cheating on one’s
spouse.
Not all marriages that have
infidelity are doomed for failure. I
know many couples who have survived affairs.
It takes a really strong spouse and a really repentant spouse for it to
work, but it can. The book of Hosea is
an extraordinary book of Scripture about a man in an adulterous marriage. Hosea is commanded by God to marry a
prostitute named Gomer. She leaves him,
not once, but more than once. God
commands Hosea to bring her back. God
does this because marriage is a mirror of our relationship to God. Whenever we put anything else before God, it
is as if we are committing adultery against God. Over and over in Scripture adultery and
idolatry are equated. God commanded
Hosea to keep bringing Gomer back because God wanted the people to see that is
what God does with them. No matter how unfaithful God’s people were, God
refused to forsake them.
In I Corinthians 7, Paul allows for
another valid case of divorce and remarriage, which is abandonment or divorce
initiated by an unbelieving spouse. He
strongly reiterates that the believing spouse cannot initiate a divorce. Rather he calls on believing spouses to be
witnesses and intercessors to and for their families.
What about abuse? Separation in these cases is always necessary
for safety. Divorce is not. There are successful abuser programs that can
rehabilitate abusive spouses. I’m
actually in a pastor’s group in which one of the participants who is also a
licensed psychologist has been running such a program for 20 years, and it has
now been adopted in several countries.
In fact, he will be teaching a group of leaders how to run it in Rwanda
this spring. If the abusive spouse is an
unbeliever, he/she can file for divorce, and the divorce would be valid. A
believing spouse can separate and get a restraining order if necessary. If divorce is inevitable, then remarriage is
not an option if both people are believers at the time of the divorce. Jesus
does not allow for remarriage. 3 times,
He calls it adultery. What about
emotional abuse? I don’t see it as valid
in Scripture if both spouses are believers.
Again, if one spouse is not a believer and wants a divorce, fine. Don’t keep emotional abuse secret. All resources of counseling and
accountability should be in play. When
we witness a wedding, we all take vows that we will do whatever we can to help
the couple fulfill their marriage vows. Separate
if necessary, but don’t divorce. In his
wonderful book Sacred Marriage, Gary Thomas writes specifically about
emotionally difficult marriages and gives examples including Abraham Lincoln’s
marriage to Mary Todd Lincoln. He even
postulates that Lincoln was better prepared to deal with national conflict
because of what went on his household.
My friend Katty is in an emotionally difficult marriage. She believes her husband has narcissistic
personality disorder. He has been
emotionally abusive off and on over the nearly 20 years they have been married. I’m not sure he was a believer when they
first got married, but he has since made a profession of faith. Katty’s friends are helping her keep her
marriage vows. Hopefully, as her husband
becomes more self-aware and as their church and professionals support them, he
will realize how he is treating his wife.
So what about the people I
married. My first question to those who
were previously divorced was why and when?
If there was a nonvalid divorce, I wouldn’t perform the marriage. Many of the divorces occurred before the
person was a believer in Jesus Christ.
It doesn’t matter what sins you have committed as an unbeliever. When you repent and place your faith in
Jesus, the slate is wiped clean. II
Corinthians 5:17 says, “If anyone is in Christ, behold! New creation! The old is gone the new has come.” Who filed the divorce? If it is was an unbelieving spouse, than the
person is free to remarry. If their
previous spouse cheated on them, then they are free to remarry.
The bottom line is God hates
divorce. Jesus hates divorce. Marriage is given to us a picture of God’s
relationship to God’s people, Christ’s relationship to the Church. It is a relationship which ought never be
sundered. Sadly, it sometimes is. As another pastor summed—divorce is never
desirable, sometimes permissible, and always forgivable.
