The Problem of Divorce; Luke 16:18, Matthew 5:31-32, Matthew 19:1-9

 

     Today’s Scripture can be difficult, not because the interpretation can be challenging like the passage we had two weeks ago about people forcing their way into the kingdom, but because we understand it and it makes us uncomfortable, if not for ourselves, then for people we know and care about.  Sermons on divorce used to not be so uncommon.  But as divorce rates not only in our society but even in the church hit 50%, and then divorce became more common even among clergy, sermons on divorce became rarer.  Nearly every couple for whom I officiated their wedding had either one or both spouses who were previously divorced.  I had the wonderful pleasure of working with two young couples in which neither spouse had ever been married, but I only did their marriage preparation.  Someone else officiated their weddings.  That’s okay, I was privileged to do the fun part!  But what about the second marriages I conducted?  Was I wrong?  Obviously, Jesus takes divorce seriously.  He mentions it on 3 separate occasions.  Mark 10:1-12 is the same occasion as Matthew 19.  He says that divorced women are made “adulteresses”. 

            In Luke 16:18, Jesus mentions divorce and adultery as law that still stands.  Remember the context is Jesus telling the Pharisees that not one stroke of the letter of the Law will fall.  The laws on divorce and adultery are an example of that.  The word Jesus uses in Luke 16:18 is to “send away.”  There were two types of separation in Jewish times.  One was a divorce which involved giving the wife a certificate and her dowry back.  With a certificate, she could remarry, although she could not ever return to her first husband, even if her second husband were to die. 

     The Old Testament law about divorce is found in Deuteronomy 24:1-4.  I won’t read it now, but you can look it up later.  Remember that the Law was written to men, that is males.  As heads of households, they were responsible for keeping the Law and for passing it on their children.  Women were protected under the man.  There are only a few specific laws that were directed to women.  Women were not allowed to issue divorce.  The law does allow a divorced woman to remarry, but she cannot go back to her first husband if she had been remarried in between, even if her second marriage is ended by the death of her second husband.  Some valid reasons for divorce were sexual infidelity, barrenness—children were seen as a sign of prosperity.  Sadly today, children are often seen as a sign of poverty.  While gifts and blessings from God, children should never be commodified.  However, in the Sermon on the Mount, from whence we extract Matthew 5:32-32, Jesus makes all the Laws more strict than they originally were.  Here He says that unchastity is the ONLY valid reason for divorce, not barrenness or anything else.  Jesus is showing that kingdom values are now in play and there is a higher standard of operation, which is what He reiterates in Matthew 19.  In using the specific example of divorce in the middle of a talk about stewardship, Jesus wants to show that we ought to take our finances as seriously as we take our marriages. 

The second type of separation is simply the sending away.  This would be used for betrothed couples, like Joseph wanting to “divorce” Mary or concubines, who were not wives, like Abraham did with Hagar.  Jesus uses both words in Matthew 5. In Luke 16, Jesus has been talking about financial stewardship.  Money and marriage go together.  Sending away a wife, no certificate and no dowry, is not allowed!  Mend did it to get out of returning a dowry.  Jesus ties stewardship to divorce because even and maybe particularly the Pharisees and teachers of the law looked at marriage and divorce as kind of a prosperity gospel.  If you met someone with a better dowry, you could get rid of your other wife.  If you found a prettier woman, you could get rid of your wife and marry a better looking one.  Jesus says you can’t get rid of a wife without a certificate of divorce and remarry, because you are still married.  To marry another would be unlawful.  A woman without a certificate cannot get remarried because he first marriage is still legally binding.  She would be committing adultery as well.  Remember when we were looking at Jesus’s genealogy how difficult it was for single women to survive, especially if they had no money or land!  In reiterating that separation and remarriage is adultery, Jesus is protecting women, and warning men against frivolous divorce.  In Matthew 5:31-32, when Jesus says, “Everyone who sends away his wife, except for unchastity, makes her commit adultery,” can also be read as “commits adultery against her.”  A man sends his wife away without a certificate so he can get a new one is the one who is committing adultery.  She would only be doing so if she were to marry again.  Remember that marriages were ordinarily arranged. Love was something that developed, not something necessarily there to begin with.  So if you wife was a bad cook or not the wealthiest, or not the best looking, Jesus is saying that once the marriage has taken place, too bad!  Make it work. 

            This kind of separation is akin to people who start dating before their divorce is ever finalized.  A separation is not a divorce.  No one should be looking around for their next partner until their divorce is finalized!  This kind of separation would also be the equivalent of no-fault divorce.  In a certificate of divorce, the man would have to name a reason.  I personally think no fault divorce is one of the biggest wrongs in our society which started a slippery slope of several other bad legislative decisions and cultural trends.  Ronald Reagan said it was the worst mistake of his political career.  He signed it into law as Governor of California in 1970 and it soon became widespread across the country.  There has always been a consistent trend that so goes California so goes the rest of country.  So we can say all we want to about those crazy Californians, but it would behoove us to pay attention to the laws that are passed there.  Reagan’s own divorce was not a no-fault.  His first wife cheated on him, and then she later filed for divorce.  Just because most people who separate today eventually end up with a certificate of divorce does not mean the divorce is valid.  Too many people are looking for the ‘bigger better deal”.  They don’t take seriously the vows of richer AND poorer, SICKNESS and health. 

            In Matthew 19:1-9, the Pharisees are testing Jesus as to whether there is any valid reason for divorce.  Jesus goes back to Genesis 1 and 2, saying that it is God who ordained marriage between a man and a woman, and that no man ought to separate that bond.  So they go back to the fact that the law of Moses in Deuteronomy allows a man to divorce his wife if he gives her a certificate.  Jesus responds by saying that this law of Moses is in there because of the “hardness of your hearts,” but that God never intended divorce. In Mark’s version of the story, Jesus also says the same thing if it is the woman who issues the divorce.  Matthew is writing for a Jewish audience, but we know Gentiles were present.  Mark is writing to a mixed audience, and though it was illegal for Jewish women to initiate divorce, it was not illegal for Gentile women to initiate divorce.   He reiterates that sexual immorality (not simply adultery) is the only valid reason for divorce and that remarriage in any other so-called case of divorce is adultery.  Porn addiction could be covered under this.  It is a form of cheating on one’s spouse. 

            Not all marriages that have infidelity are doomed for failure.  I know many couples who have survived affairs.  It takes a really strong spouse and a really repentant spouse for it to work, but it can.  The book of Hosea is an extraordinary book of Scripture about a man in an adulterous marriage.  Hosea is commanded by God to marry a prostitute named Gomer.  She leaves him, not once, but more than once.  God commands Hosea to bring her back.  God does this because marriage is a mirror of our relationship to God.  Whenever we put anything else before God, it is as if we are committing adultery against God.  Over and over in Scripture adultery and idolatry are equated.  God commanded Hosea to keep bringing Gomer back because God wanted the people to see that is what God does with them. No matter how unfaithful God’s people were, God refused to forsake them. 

            In I Corinthians 7, Paul allows for another valid case of divorce and remarriage, which is abandonment or divorce initiated by an unbelieving spouse.  He strongly reiterates that the believing spouse cannot initiate a divorce.  Rather he calls on believing spouses to be witnesses and intercessors to and for their families. 

            What about abuse?  Separation in these cases is always necessary for safety.  Divorce is not.  There are successful abuser programs that can rehabilitate abusive spouses.  I’m actually in a pastor’s group in which one of the participants who is also a licensed psychologist has been running such a program for 20 years, and it has now been adopted in several countries.  In fact, he will be teaching a group of leaders how to run it in Rwanda this spring.  If the abusive spouse is an unbeliever, he/she can file for divorce, and the divorce would be valid. A believing spouse can separate and get a restraining order if necessary.  If divorce is inevitable, then remarriage is not an option if both people are believers at the time of the divorce. Jesus does not allow for remarriage.  3 times, He calls it adultery.  What about emotional abuse?  I don’t see it as valid in Scripture if both spouses are believers.  Again, if one spouse is not a believer and wants a divorce, fine.  Don’t keep emotional abuse secret.  All resources of counseling and accountability should be in play.  When we witness a wedding, we all take vows that we will do whatever we can to help the couple fulfill their marriage vows.  Separate if necessary, but don’t divorce.  In his wonderful book Sacred Marriage, Gary Thomas writes specifically about emotionally difficult marriages and gives examples including Abraham Lincoln’s marriage to Mary Todd Lincoln.  He even postulates that Lincoln was better prepared to deal with national conflict because of what went on his household.  My friend Katty is in an emotionally difficult marriage.  She believes her husband has narcissistic personality disorder.  He has been emotionally abusive off and on over the nearly 20 years they have been married.  I’m not sure he was a believer when they first got married, but he has since made a profession of faith.  Katty’s friends are helping her keep her marriage vows.  Hopefully, as her husband becomes more self-aware and as their church and professionals support them, he will realize how he is treating his wife. 

            So what about the people I married.  My first question to those who were previously divorced was why and when?  If there was a nonvalid divorce, I wouldn’t perform the marriage.  Many of the divorces occurred before the person was a believer in Jesus Christ.  It doesn’t matter what sins you have committed as an unbeliever.  When you repent and place your faith in Jesus, the slate is wiped clean.  II Corinthians 5:17 says, “If anyone is in Christ, behold! New creation!  The old is gone the new has come.”  Who filed the divorce?  If it is was an unbelieving spouse, than the person is free to remarry.  If their previous spouse cheated on them, then they are free to remarry.  

            The bottom line is God hates divorce.  Jesus hates divorce.  Marriage is given to us a picture of God’s relationship to God’s people, Christ’s relationship to the Church.  It is a relationship which ought never be sundered.  Sadly, it sometimes is.  As another pastor summed—divorce is never desirable, sometimes permissible, and always forgivable.