About Marriage

These are my friends Tim and Wakako. They got married a week before we did. Tim was my former co-worker when I was in Japan. We were on the same team in Hokkaido.

Jim and I got to spend a day with them when we went to Japan in May for our delayed honeymoon. It was fun to trade wedding stories and talk about the worst gifts we received!

Two other colleagues of mine from Asian Access also got married this winter. Emi and her man Sterling got married the day before we did. Tim, Emi, and I all got engaged around the same time and shared with each other wedding plans and what we were learning through our respective marriage counseling sessions. It was a lot of fun.

What's also cool is that we are all older. We're all in our mid 30's or above. So if you are in that age bracket and haven't found "the one" yet, it will happen. And when it does, you will know it, and it will happen quickly! Some of us were looking, and some of us were caught by surprise by it all, but we all knew that it was right.

And I don't think you have to try everything or everybody out in order to find that right person! I certainly didn't! I'm pretty fed up with a society of high divorce rates and marital infidelity, of shacking up and playing house, having babies first and then maybe getting married, of adult privileges without adult responsibilities (and this has nothing to do with age).

My denomination just had its biennial General Assembly. One of the things that came up was an attempt by some to redefine marriage. Praise the Lord, it was soundly defeated. What meaning does marriage have if we redefine it? It will lose its sacredness. Now, I'm all for civil and human rights for everyone. I don't believed in privileged classes be they based on economics, religion, race, gender, sexual orientation, etc. But not for profaning the sacred by trying to redefine it. If marriage is simply a civil contract, then who cares? But I don't think that marriage is simply a civil contract. I believe that marriage is a spiritual covenant between a man and woman. Even friends of mine who have chosen to live together without being married recognize something different about marriage. That's part of the reason they have chosen not to get married.

And marriage is not simply a private thing. The reason to have a wedding with vows that are witnessed is so that others are aware and included in the covenant being made. God uses marriages as public examples of God's love for God's people. A marriage covenant makes the statement that yes we are two people who will have conflict and problem and hardship, but we will stick together and grow together and learn more about and from each other, God, and life. We are something together that we could not be apart.

As the last statement regarding the gift of marriage says: "Therefore, let marriage be held in honor by all."

A Second Attempt at Pictures

For more pictures, check the church website!

No, Grace Presbyterian Church doesn't have a new pastor--just a newly married one!
I could use premarital counseling, Thanksgiving, Advent, Christmas, and wedding preparations as excuses for not writing for months, but that's what it would be, excuses. I'll TRY to get back to writing again. But for now, enjoy some wedding photos!

A Picture

Finally, a long awaited picture of us!

Post Script

Jim and I finally had our romantic engagement celebration on Sat. Nothing big and fancy, nothing expensive, and more planned than surprise (which is what I prefer because surprises can go wrong!). Dressed in bummy clothes (well, at least I was) and armed with a quality bottle of the fruit of the vine (which had been sitting in the refridgerator for months because it didn't get used on a previous occasion), we made our way back to a place along a hiking trail where we had once had a significant conversation, but hadn't returned to since. We reflected on the past, toasted to the present, and looked forward to the future. And we didn't even use the whole bottle.

There's No Story, Really

Most people want to know the big engagement story. Well, there isn't really one.

This is how it all came down. (You'll have to ask Jim if he sees it differently.)

The week of June 17, I was Skyping with my friend Nozomi. (If you have friends who live far away and have computers, you need to learn about Skype! Go to http://www.skype.com/ It's free! You can instant message, voice chat, or even web cam.) Nozomi said, "You know I'm going back to Japan in March. You need to get married before I go back to Japan." (Jim and I had already discussed getting married sometime between Jan. and June, but not between Ash Wed. and Easter. I had also talked about wanting to go back to Japan for a couple of weeks in the spring myself.) Nozomi continued, "You should get married in January." I told her that I had also been thinking about that, but I told her that Jim and I hadn't talked time table for awhile. Nozomi said, "Then you should bring it up."
"I'm not going to bring it up!" I said. "He'll bring it up when he's ready."
So Friday, June 22 I go over to Jim's house. Not long after walking through the door, Jim said, "I've been thinking about time table. I think we should get married in January."
"Me too!" I laughed. "So does this make us 'officialized'?"
"Nah," said Jim, and went on to say why not. So we decided not to tell people.
So the next day my mother straight out asks, "So do you and Jim have a date yet?"
I couldn't lie. "Well, as of last night, we have a month. It's January. But don't tell people because we aren't 'officialized'."
We still weren't calling ourselves "officialized" when we went to New York, but as we met more and more of his relatives, it got tiring to explain the whole yes, we're getting married in January, but we aren't really engaged yet thing. So we stopped correcting people. In the car on the way home, I said that the whole official engagement thing was starting to feel very anticlimatic, BUT that didn't mean he still couldn't do something romantic at some point!! Then I found out all the people he had already told anyway. "I only told people who live out of state!!" I said. My poor mother had been sitting on this info. for awhile, and to my knowledge, my dad still hadn't been informed. In my mind, it was Jim's job to talk to my dad, although I was perfectly fine with us talking to him together. Well, that conversation never really happened either. We had already set up our first counseling appointment with Tim Havlicek by the time my dad heard it from us--not that my dad was in any way surprised.
So I don't know at what point we became "officialized," but it happened somewhere in there. The romantic proposal thing never happened. No, I don't have a ring, but that is MY choice. I boycott diamonds and don't really wear jewelry except my God ring, which has its own story.
I'm too cheap and pragmatic for jewelry! However, that does not mean that I'm not a romantic because I am. And I still think it would be nice to have some sort of creative celebration of the event!

Redemption

See, I knew I just wouldn't be good at this blogging stuff! It's too hard to come up with things to write, but I'm back again because this is what I've been thinking about for awhile.

Redemption is a powerful thing. I love redemption stories. I like them told in person most of all, but I also like redemption songs and movies and books. I've heard two wonderful stories recently--one from Japan through the church I worked with last year, and one from a former classmate of mine who I just reconnected with this past weekend at our 15 year reunion.

God really does have the power to transform lives. Sometimes we act like He doesn't, even though we know what God has done in our own lives (for those of us who have experienced it!).

Redemption is God taking our messy, broken, messed-up, painful, sinful lives--all our dirt and baggage--and making something holy, beautiful, worthwhile, meaningful, and righteous out of it. God actually uses the dirt in our lives for good--our own good, and for the good of others. God really does exchange beauty for ashes. But it isn't automatic; God doesn't force Himself on us, although He does relentlessly pursue us. But at some point, we have to adjust, give up, surrender, get out of God's way. If we don't give God our dirt, He won't use it.

God pursues us to the point where the Holy Spirit opens our eyes to the fact that we need redemption. We realize that our lives are messed up. At this point, though we either admit it and find that redemption or we resist.

As a Calvinist, this is where I struggle--TULIP--that I--Irresistible grace. Is it really irrestible? I know people who resist. I've seen it. I've done it myself in the short term. And then there are those "scary" Hebrews passages that my Methodist colleagues don't find as scary. The good Calvinist though, wants to believe that grace is ultimately irrestible and always wins out. This encourages me to persevere in prayer.
And I know when I see someone who has obviously been convicted wrestling with God, I know that grace will win. But for those who resist the conviction and become hardened...well, there's where Hebrews comes in.

When we admit to what we are, then Christ is there. He takes over and actually uses the crap in our lives for His own glory. After all, God is the one who has allowed all of our experiences and circumstances. God is the Author of our lives. Then we can be free from regret, free from burden, and free from pain without purpose--not necessarily free from pain, but free from pain without purpose.

I'm watching someone wrestle right now. The person doesn't like his life, doesn't want to be the same, and understands he is messed up. The person is just beginning to be awakened to the fact that life can be different. I have no doubt that in this case grace will win out. God is already at work and continues to reveal more and more of Himself to this person. I believe that this person will come to understand that the past can be redeemed not regretted. I'm trying to be patient because I'm excited; I'm ready for the person to give up because I know what will be found. I hope it doesn't take years, but it might. But it's God's timing and not mine.