Most
of us know the story of Peter asking Jesus, “Lord, how many times do I have to
forgive? 70 times?” And Jesus replies 70 x 7. Probably less of us are familiar with this
passage today. Jesus doesn’t say 70 x 7
here. He says 7 times in a day! We are called to forgive.
Many people think that forgiveness
means letting the other person off the hook, and it would seem so if you keep
forgiving someone for doing the same thing over and over, but it’s not. Before Jesus says that you have to forgive
someone 7 times a day, He says, “If your brother sins, rebuke him.” Before forgiving, you make the person aware
of what he or she did. Sometimes, people
don’t even know what they have done. Has
a sin truly been committed or just a misunderstanding? Be careful how you make the person
aware! If you truly care about the
person’s well-being and your relationship with them, which you should if you
are even going to point out another’s sin, then you must do so in a way that
let’s them know you care about them and your relationship.
Though there are some people who seem to
thrive on conflict, most of us don’t like it.
Sometimes we choose not to confront simply to avoid conflict. When I was a new pastor, one of the first
books I was required to read was Caring Enough to Confront by David
Augsberger. Though specifically written
for group settings, the principles also apply to individuals. Augsberger writes about 5 ways that we
respond to being wronged. 1—We want
revenge. We know this is not the right
response. “Vengeance is mine,” says the
Lord. Sin does have consequences, but sinning
in return only leads to more consequences.
2. We withdraw or end the
relationship. This harms both people again.
Broken relationships are always a tragedy. We were made for community. 3. Put up a barrier and be nice. This is the “go along to get along.” It’s the way of tolerance and quiet
truces. The underlying hurt is never
dealt with and the relationship moves along but is never healed. Mistrust and distrust is constant. This one is common to those of us who are
Southerners who were raised in a culture of “niceness” and politeness. I know personally, as an introvert who
doesn’t like confrontation, it can be my default response. Better to have some relationship than no
relationship. We think we are protecting
ourselves, but we never grow and develop intimacy when we do this. We are in far more danger of “letting someone
off the hook for their bad behavior” by severing the relationship or
maintaining a veneer of niceness than we are by forgiving a person. The other person may never realize the harm
they’ve done if you do not rebuke them.
They may think that you are the one with the problem! And indeed, it really may be both of
you!
Augsburger’s number 4 is Creative compromise. While it can work in group situations, it
only leads to everyone having a partial win, which also means everyone has a
partial fail. If we act in any of these
first 4 ways, it’s likely that we haven’t forgiven and may not even want to forgive. Some people who withdraw from or end the
relationship may eventually come to forgive the offender but often without
rebuking or interacting with the offender, which means reconciliation doesn’t
take place.
And finally, 5. Caring enough to confront. Confronting let’s the person know that you
care about them and about what happened.
You need to confront and rebuke in a way that let’s the person know the
seriousness of their actions as well as the fact that you want to remain in
relationship with them, that you both want their respect and are willing to
give respect, that you want to maintain trust. Counselors will tell you to be
direct and be clear. Focus on the issue
or even. Don’t make broad
generalizations. Use “I statements” to
address your feelings including anger and pain.
Not too long ago, I had a friend
care enough to confront me. Social media
can be a place that fosters negativity.
Last month, I made a negative comment about some celebrity whose
marriage failed. The comment I made was
“If this person hadn’t been so focused on himself, he might still have his wife
and kids,” a statement which has a high level of probability, especially with
some more interviews surfacing, but I had also prefaced the statement with
so-and-so is a dork!. A friend, whom I
haven’t seen in person for a while, within the hour messaged me about the
statement. First, she asked if I really
wrote it because accounts can be hacked.
I had to admit yes. She asked me
do I know this person personally? I
admitted that I do not, though I do know someone who does, which is true. She
commented about the prevalence of name calling and the hurt it has caused her
personally and the damage it does to dialogue.
She expressed that she has known me as a kind person and a leader. She commented on the fact that I am a pastor
and should pastors be saying such things.
My initial response is that “dork isn’t that bad of a name and if I did
know the person, I would have called them that to their face before they put
themselves in a position where it would have cost them their marriage, so that
perhaps they would not have engaged in the behavior that they did. Still, my friend was right. While “dork”
might not really be that bad of a name, I had to admit that what I did was
wrong. I too hate name calling,
especially when people resort to it in the middle of a debate and the damage name
calling has done. I have tried to avoid
it, particularly online. I also know
that as a pastor I am called to a higher standard. The next morning, I let her know that I
appreciated her calling me out. I knew
that it meant that she cared about me. She
cared enough to confront—to rebuke. I
could have dismissed her and lost a relationship. She could have not called me out and quietly
unfriended me. I’m glad she did
not. She is someone I appreciate knowing
and showed herself worthy of knowing. You
have probably heard the saying that when it comes to our words, we can ask, “Is
it true? Is it good? Is it necessary?”. If it’s not true, we certainly shouldn’t say
it, because that is lying. Is it
good? If it’s not good, it’s not an
automatic no. We know that not all news
is good. But is it necessary? Is there anything that leads to edification,
or is just gossip or something that tears people down—the hearer included.
Remember from last week that the
context of Jesus’s words on rebuke and forgiveness come in the context of not
being a stumbling block—not being unnecessarily offensive. My social media post was a stumbling
block. It caused confusion and could
even lead someone to else to sin by thinking it’s not sin at all or it’s not
that bad. Last week we heard that what we do affects more people than we
realize.
Forgiving doesn’t mean that healthy
boundaries don’t need to be set to deter the sinful behavior or the
consequences thereof. Jesus begins these
verses with “Be on your guard!” Don’t
let someone cause you to stumble unnecessarily.
If someone steals from you, you can forgive them while still making it
harder for the person to steal from you again.
Unforgiveness can be just as much of a stumbling block as the sin the
other person has committed.
How do we forgive the person 7 times
in a day, especially if he or she keeps doing the same thing over and
over? Well, it’s hard to forgive someone
who isn’t repentant. That’s where rebuke
comes in. And Jesus says, “If the person repents, forgive them.” Is the person really repentant if they keep
doing the same thing? Perhaps they
aren’t. If someone isn’t repentant, maybe immediate forgiveness isn’t necessary. Eventual forgiveness is because when we
harbor unforgiveness, it hurts us. But perhaps really is repentant, even if
they do the same thing a short while later!
Habitual sin can be really hard to break! Keep in mind that the goal is to move the
other person toward holiness, to help them take another step toward Jesus, and
also keep yourself moving in that direction!
Repentance means to turn.
Eventually, the fruit of repentance, if real, will be turning away from
that bad habit and toward Jesus.
We are called to forgive because we
have been forgiven. At the cross, Jesus
forgave those who did not know what they were doing. God also forgives those who know what they
did and repent of it! God loves us, even
when we are at our worst! God’s love for
us is a constant that never changes! We
need to strive in constancy with love toward one another. Rebuking and forgiving is part of showing
that love.
