A Picture

Finally, a long awaited picture of us!

Post Script

Jim and I finally had our romantic engagement celebration on Sat. Nothing big and fancy, nothing expensive, and more planned than surprise (which is what I prefer because surprises can go wrong!). Dressed in bummy clothes (well, at least I was) and armed with a quality bottle of the fruit of the vine (which had been sitting in the refridgerator for months because it didn't get used on a previous occasion), we made our way back to a place along a hiking trail where we had once had a significant conversation, but hadn't returned to since. We reflected on the past, toasted to the present, and looked forward to the future. And we didn't even use the whole bottle.

There's No Story, Really

Most people want to know the big engagement story. Well, there isn't really one.

This is how it all came down. (You'll have to ask Jim if he sees it differently.)

The week of June 17, I was Skyping with my friend Nozomi. (If you have friends who live far away and have computers, you need to learn about Skype! Go to http://www.skype.com/ It's free! You can instant message, voice chat, or even web cam.) Nozomi said, "You know I'm going back to Japan in March. You need to get married before I go back to Japan." (Jim and I had already discussed getting married sometime between Jan. and June, but not between Ash Wed. and Easter. I had also talked about wanting to go back to Japan for a couple of weeks in the spring myself.) Nozomi continued, "You should get married in January." I told her that I had also been thinking about that, but I told her that Jim and I hadn't talked time table for awhile. Nozomi said, "Then you should bring it up."
"I'm not going to bring it up!" I said. "He'll bring it up when he's ready."
So Friday, June 22 I go over to Jim's house. Not long after walking through the door, Jim said, "I've been thinking about time table. I think we should get married in January."
"Me too!" I laughed. "So does this make us 'officialized'?"
"Nah," said Jim, and went on to say why not. So we decided not to tell people.
So the next day my mother straight out asks, "So do you and Jim have a date yet?"
I couldn't lie. "Well, as of last night, we have a month. It's January. But don't tell people because we aren't 'officialized'."
We still weren't calling ourselves "officialized" when we went to New York, but as we met more and more of his relatives, it got tiring to explain the whole yes, we're getting married in January, but we aren't really engaged yet thing. So we stopped correcting people. In the car on the way home, I said that the whole official engagement thing was starting to feel very anticlimatic, BUT that didn't mean he still couldn't do something romantic at some point!! Then I found out all the people he had already told anyway. "I only told people who live out of state!!" I said. My poor mother had been sitting on this info. for awhile, and to my knowledge, my dad still hadn't been informed. In my mind, it was Jim's job to talk to my dad, although I was perfectly fine with us talking to him together. Well, that conversation never really happened either. We had already set up our first counseling appointment with Tim Havlicek by the time my dad heard it from us--not that my dad was in any way surprised.
So I don't know at what point we became "officialized," but it happened somewhere in there. The romantic proposal thing never happened. No, I don't have a ring, but that is MY choice. I boycott diamonds and don't really wear jewelry except my God ring, which has its own story.
I'm too cheap and pragmatic for jewelry! However, that does not mean that I'm not a romantic because I am. And I still think it would be nice to have some sort of creative celebration of the event!

Redemption

See, I knew I just wouldn't be good at this blogging stuff! It's too hard to come up with things to write, but I'm back again because this is what I've been thinking about for awhile.

Redemption is a powerful thing. I love redemption stories. I like them told in person most of all, but I also like redemption songs and movies and books. I've heard two wonderful stories recently--one from Japan through the church I worked with last year, and one from a former classmate of mine who I just reconnected with this past weekend at our 15 year reunion.

God really does have the power to transform lives. Sometimes we act like He doesn't, even though we know what God has done in our own lives (for those of us who have experienced it!).

Redemption is God taking our messy, broken, messed-up, painful, sinful lives--all our dirt and baggage--and making something holy, beautiful, worthwhile, meaningful, and righteous out of it. God actually uses the dirt in our lives for good--our own good, and for the good of others. God really does exchange beauty for ashes. But it isn't automatic; God doesn't force Himself on us, although He does relentlessly pursue us. But at some point, we have to adjust, give up, surrender, get out of God's way. If we don't give God our dirt, He won't use it.

God pursues us to the point where the Holy Spirit opens our eyes to the fact that we need redemption. We realize that our lives are messed up. At this point, though we either admit it and find that redemption or we resist.

As a Calvinist, this is where I struggle--TULIP--that I--Irresistible grace. Is it really irrestible? I know people who resist. I've seen it. I've done it myself in the short term. And then there are those "scary" Hebrews passages that my Methodist colleagues don't find as scary. The good Calvinist though, wants to believe that grace is ultimately irrestible and always wins out. This encourages me to persevere in prayer.
And I know when I see someone who has obviously been convicted wrestling with God, I know that grace will win. But for those who resist the conviction and become hardened...well, there's where Hebrews comes in.

When we admit to what we are, then Christ is there. He takes over and actually uses the crap in our lives for His own glory. After all, God is the one who has allowed all of our experiences and circumstances. God is the Author of our lives. Then we can be free from regret, free from burden, and free from pain without purpose--not necessarily free from pain, but free from pain without purpose.

I'm watching someone wrestle right now. The person doesn't like his life, doesn't want to be the same, and understands he is messed up. The person is just beginning to be awakened to the fact that life can be different. I have no doubt that in this case grace will win out. God is already at work and continues to reveal more and more of Himself to this person. I believe that this person will come to understand that the past can be redeemed not regretted. I'm trying to be patient because I'm excited; I'm ready for the person to give up because I know what will be found. I hope it doesn't take years, but it might. But it's God's timing and not mine.

Long time, no blog

Whew! I made it through Holy Week. And I actually was able to enter into it and worship. The week before Holy Week seemed like "Unholy Week". It was quite stressful.
I had the incredible privilege of preaching the message for the Beaufort Fellowship of Churches' annual Easter sunrise service. I think I'm the first woman to give the message, although many other women have taken part in the service. We had about 150 in attendance on what was a pretty cold morning for April in NC. (I had frost on my car when I left house.)

My friend Angela sent me a little package a couple of weeks ago marking our 1 year return from Japan. Tomorrow night will mark the 1 year anniversary of when I had my first face-to-face conversation with the PNC of Grace Presbyterian Church. I was home visiting my family for Easter anyway, so it was a great time to schedule that meeting. Next Sunday will mark when I preached for the PNC at Wildwood Pres. Church. Obviously, all of that worked out very well! It really has been an amazing year!

Lent

I've really enjoyed Lent this year. It seems an odd thing to say but it's true. I see and feel a lot of parallels with the Advent season. I didn't really give up anything this year. In the past, I've asked God to expose any idol or potential idolatry in my life, and then that becomes what I would give up. But God didn't expose any external idolatry in my life this year--which is a good thing!! On the other hand, it's been more internal--the harder stuff to get rid of sometimes. It's been my own selfishness. I've been preaching a lot on sin. Maybe my folks are getting tired of it! But in preaching sin, I also get to preach redemption and forgiveness and how it is always, always available. And I've been preaching to and for myself because it's what I've needed.

Cheat post

Yeah, yeah. It's not a real post. Just thought I'd list a couple of my favorite websites.
www.drewmarshall.ca Canada's most listened to spiritual talkback show. This isn't cheesy Christian radio. The interviews are awesome. The forum is interesting too and goes along with the show's talkback segments. The shows are archived every week, and they recently got live streaming. It's a once a week show--Saturdays from 1-4 pm. The previous week's show is updated on the website on Thursdays.
www.wittenburgdoor.com The website of the World's Pretty Much Only Religious Satire Magazine. It's updated at least every two weeks.

What a Year!

I was reading last week's communication from the Presbytery, and on the calendar it mentioned that the annual consultations for the Committee on Preparation for Ministry would be held this week. Last year, that was me. I flew home from Japan specifically for this meeting, since in another 6 weeks, I'd be leaving Japan to come back to the US. I had been looking a little at Church Information Forms online in an unofficial capacity since until this meeting was completed, I couldn't do so in a formal manner. At my consultation I was asked if I wanted to serve in our presbytery. I said yes, and I was encouraged to hear that although I had not seen many CIFs from churches in our Presbytery that there were quite a few possibilities.
I went back to Japan to serve a crazy 3 weeks of ministry while trying to pack and ship my belongings back to the US, cleaning out my apartment, filling out a bunch of reports for Asian Access and trying to get my Personal Information Form online. The day before I left for our annual spring retreat, I had a two hour break and got my PIF completed. After our retreat I went up to Hokkaido to visit my old church. I hadn't checked email in a couple of weeks.
I checked it the day before flying back to the US. I had gotten a rejection email from some megachurch in Wilmington. I thought, "That's weird, I didn't even send them my stuff, nor would I ever want to work there." So I wasn't at all bothered by this. Then I got an email from our executive presbyter saying, "I hope you don't mind, but I sent your PIF to a bunch of churches in our Presbytery."
Okay, so that's how Wilmington got my stuff. I told him I didn't mind at all. In fact, I was really thankful! It saved me some work.
I flew back to the US and visted my cousins in Washington state whom I hadn't seen in 17 years, although we send pictures and emails. It was fun catching up in person.
Then I flew to California for reentry. During this time I got an email from Grace Presbyterian Church suggesting that we set up a phone meeting! I was totally excited. I had actually looked at Grace's CIF back in August. I had told my mom about it then, but I also told her not to think about it too much.
Well, you can ask the former Grace Pastor Nominating Committee how that first conversation went. Needless to say, it went very well. I was already coming to Morehead for Easter to visit my family, so it worked out quite nicely for me to meet them at that time. I had called some pastor colleagues for input because I knew I didn't want to use Grace for a practice interview! Well, things moved nicely, and I never had to candidate at any other church. I also only had to go without income for one month, which was something I had had my Grow Group in Japan pray for because I was thinking that it might have been more like three months with no income.
So it was totally a God thing to bring us together.
So far the journey has been wonderful, fun, messy, challenging, joyful, stressful, and I love it!

More Thoughts on Sin

In the last post I wrote how God does not want us to beat ourselves up over our sin once we acknowledge and confess it. To do that is to say that Jesus's death was insuffient. But there's also another attitude that we have to avoid, and that is taking sin too lightly. I saw this even in seminary. On occasion, I hear someone say something like, "Ha, ha, so-and-so got drunk last night!" I'd say, "So what did you say to him? Did you ask him why he got drunk? Were you with him?" Person's response: "Everybody messes up; it's no big deal."
Well, yes, everybody messes up, but it's also still a big deal. If you are laugh at sin for the purpose of showing someone how stupid it is to do it, that's one thing, but you'd better be around to hold that person up too. What we should be saying is, "Hey brother/sister, what you did wasn't right, but God forgives you. Is there anything I can do to help you not do that again?" I'm such a screw-up that I have 5 personal accountability partners. I talk to at least one of them at least once a week.
Taking sin too lightly is cheap grace. It also takes away the impetus for complete repentance--to leave the sin behind. Hopefully, as we grow in Christ, repentance becomes easier and more complete because we see the foolishness and stupidity of sin compared to the power and riches of Christ and the disgustingness of our sin compared to the holiness of God. When sin becomes sick and to stupid to you, it's not that hard to walk away.
This Wednesday is Ash Wednesday, the beginning of Lent. A time of reflection on the sacrifice of Christ and a season of repentance. May this Lenten season inaugurate in us a season of repentance in which we fully accept the grace and mercy of God, while pursuing a passion for holiness, which will last well past Easter.

Not-so Random Thoughts on Sin

Hopefully within a week or so, you'll be able to go to our website and listen to some of the sermons preached at Grace. I was listening to last Sundays and first I noticed that my NC accent has really come out after moving back down here! I also hear what I left out. It was so hard for me not to burst out into "The Lust, the Flesh, the Eyes & the Pride of Life" by the 77's during that message. It was running through my head and was a little distracting. I've been quoting lots of song lyrics lately and thought I'd give the congregation a break from hearing lyrics from obscure songs they've never heard of, although they are quite meaningful to me. But I'll post them here:

Well, I feel like I have to feel something good all of the time
With most of life I cannot deal, but a good feeling I can feel,
Even though it may not be real,
And if a person, place or thing can deliver, I will quiver with delight,
But will it last me for all my life, or just one more lonely night.
(chorus)
The lust, the flesh, the eyes and the pride of life
drain the life right out of me.

Well, I see something and I want it--Bam! Right now!
No questions asked.
Don't worry how much it costs me now or later:
I want it and I want it fast.
I'll go to any length--sacrifice all that I already have and all that I
might get
just to get something more that I don't need,
And Lord, please don't ask me what for.

And I love when folks look right at me and what I'm doing or have
done,
And lay it on about how groovy I am, and that I'm looking grand;
And every single word makes me think I'll live forever, never
knowing
that they probably won't remember what they said tomorrow.
Tomorrow I could be dead.
(by Mike Roe)

[Yep, the song is still relevant after all these years! It's over 20 years old, which means I'm getting old!]
But that little chorus is true: sin does drain the life right out of you. Me-centeredness leaves us impoverished. I felt this last week. I made some negative unnecessary comments to someone that encouraged a comaraderie of ill-will (a Bible study leader I know would call it an "alliance"). It didn't take me long after leaving the conversation to be convicted about what I had said. I was also convicted that maybe I had been harboring unforgiveness for a number of years, enough so that I had to write about it in the "Sad and Bad Book".
But even after confessing and repenting, I was still bothered. I have a mutual accountability partner who often beats herself up over her sin. I tell her that God does not want us to that, but here I was doing the same thing. In this case, what I had needed to do was to go beyond taking it to God back to the person with whom I had made the "alliance" and admit my fault to her. That solved the problem. It hasn't bothered me since. James 5:16 "Therefore confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another, so that you may be healed."
These are good and true words. They are the answer to having the life drained out of us!

Getting Started

So for a few years now, my friends have been telling me I should blog. I've Although I'm quite active on a couple of message boards, blogging just doesn't appeal to me. Sure, I like reading and commenting on other people's blogs, but honestly, I don't enjoy writing that much. I can do it, but I don't generally enjoy it. I don't even always write full sermon manuscripts.
I've never been into journalling. The only time I ever journal is when I'm seriously depressed or in a quandry about something. I call my journal "The Sad and Bad Book", and when I finally manage to fill one up (it takes several years, which is probably a good thing, seeing as how they are mostly negative), I burn them.
I had a class in seminary that required us to keep 3 different journals. It was torture, and the proof was a B- in the class. Then another semester, every single class I had required journal keeping. Ugh! Fortunately, those journals were more directed writing, so they weren't too bad. In fact, the ones for my Christian Ed. and ethics class (Christianity and the Problem of Racism) were actually enjoyable.
But now I've succumbed to the pressure, I guess! Here is my very own blog. What can you expect? Certainly I will not write everyday, but I will check to keep up with comments. You will NOT be reading the stuff that goes into "The Sad and Bad Book," although I may occasionally rant about something. (That's totally different!) Hopefully I'll be able to podcast some of my sermons from here. (If not, we'll do it on the website.) You'll get a random mixture of seriousness and silliness posted at random intervals. (We'll see how regular they become!)